Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
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Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch