at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
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Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Europe. Made in Germany.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit