at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
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brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt