me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
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Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
who wore it better?
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.