Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
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Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides