She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
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Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
taking June’s advice to heart
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.