I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
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What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.