[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
You Might Also Like
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave