Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
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Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.