Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
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I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’