Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
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ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
everyone has that one prude friend
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes