A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
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A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️