A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
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I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.