A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
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I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
My teenage children choosing violence
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”