With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
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[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
My biological clock is wheezing.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner