BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
You Might Also Like
Cheer up.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
The pasta is now
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]