#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
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Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana