You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
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Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
CUTE CAT‼︎
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.