“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
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I’m awake but I object,
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
I’m calling the cops.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with