whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
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I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Bond. Trauma bond.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.