someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
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english majors be like furthermore
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
A GPS. But for where your story is going.