someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
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I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Flowers bee like
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
What in the hipster hell is going on here
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3