The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
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It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Bartenders are just boneless bars
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”