It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
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Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
i think my razor is having a panic attack