[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
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The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen