Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
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Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.