Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
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ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.