Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sinking in quicksand]

me: oh no

wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help

me: ok

[mambo no. 5 starts to play]

me: OH NO

Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality

Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.

Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.

I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…

[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]

For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.

I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.

It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.

Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.

*elbows date in ribs*

“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”

where it says “within reason?”

“that’s because of me”

My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.

Raisins, she wants raisins.

Me: What happened to all the bourbon?

Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.

Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.

[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”

Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold

*cue explosion*

PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN

*fade to black*

TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese

ME: Treese

HER: I hate you

Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime

Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?

Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!

I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.

Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.

The optimist sees the carrot.

The pessimist sees the stick.

I see the ranch dip.

My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.

I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.

oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory

Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.

Me: [to myself] ok, act cool

Crush: nice weather today

Me: thanks

Cashier: this coupon expired last week

Me: so did this yogurt

the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe