I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
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I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
It was worth a shot 😂
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC