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[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Banana is the quietest snack
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
⛄️
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.