My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
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Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie