Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
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Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
i like to flex on them by shrugging
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.