3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
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My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
john wicks are toilet candles
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter