john wicks are toilet candles
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The struggle is real.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick