Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
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Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.