SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
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ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.