I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
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“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture