If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
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Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
why I oughta