I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
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My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
No, he would not have.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
me as a parent
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
