I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
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Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
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superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
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Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Me if I was a dog
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie