Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
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me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Sunday
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.