My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
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Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”