Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
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“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time