Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
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never deleting this app.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”