“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
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Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
we’re dead?
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable