I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
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“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Seals are just dog mermaids.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.