History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
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No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Going into Monday like
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago