History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
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[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Every haunted house movie:
his wife is probably gonna see that
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.