History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
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I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
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9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
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[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.