him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
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Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
*praying for world peace*
God:
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
why I oughta
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.