How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
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I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true