My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
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I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON