Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
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Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Catering service
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”