Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
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therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Hamburger Hinderer.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Donkey Kong sommelier