you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
You Might Also Like
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
“Why you watching this shit?”
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection