Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
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Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Trying
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.