A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
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David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.