My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
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girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Hamburger Hinderer.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.